phi's world

fevrier

2012-02-11T17:04:00.002+08:00

just got back from a trip to singapore with mom. and just turned 25. doesnt feel like it though. sometimes it's kinda weird when i see other people move so fast. some are married, some are pregnant, some already with baby. some of them are my close friends. so it's weird. how can people move so fast while i stand still here, nothing much change.

but the good news is that i still get time to pursue my dreams before it's all about cleaning up and cooking and taking care of your own family. yes? :)

the older i get, the more i can let go of things. no surprise, no party, no friends, no boyfriend. it was really another ordinary day, except that i went to my friend's wedding party and i got so many kind wishes from so many friends. but it's a good thing, i made a progress from years before. i can accept and understand the way things turn to be.

okay then, let's live this life like we would never get old! :D

the hunger games

2012-01-31T01:59:00.003+08:00

i just finished reading this series today. can't believe what i had just experienced. it surprised me. it's been a while since i read something that dragged me into its world that made me sad when it comes to the end, knowing the story will end soon. i love this series so much. it's not as complicated as harry potter, i can remember the story and the characters easily, even the setting is easier to be imagined.

to quote rawritsjen15's writing:
" the hunger games has touched me in a way that very few other series have, largely due to the incredibly unique world it takes place in. the characters, the setting, the horrific scenario of the games -- all so far from this world we live today, and yet so relatable."

it's surprising how much i can enjoy it while i was a bit skeptical at first after reading the synopsis. it's just that so many people reading that and gave a very good review, so i buy and read them. and thank you for that because i just experienced a whole new adventure in an amazing world.

you just have to read it yourself.

the married season

2012-01-24T23:21:00.004+08:00

i know i'm getting old when friends my age are getting engaged. the married season has begun and the carnival continues. facebook announces those happy news and congratulation echoes everywhere in my time line. and yes, my turn is near.

say goodbye to the surprise proposal and the kneeling down groom to be. that won't happen to me. the chinese culture is still rooted in our family and everything will happen according to the plan. there won't be any surprises. at first i was a bit skeptical about this idea. it's his mom who proposed the idea to me and i had no other choice but to say ok, because it's her second time asking me about this matter and i turned down the first one.

full with doubt, i kept asking adi whether he's ready or not. i said, if you are not ready yet and you don't want to do this, then don't. i don't want this to happen when you don't want it. and i'm in no rush too. i'm fine being single for the next 3 years i guess. but he said, i'm the "do-er" kind of guy, so when it happens i will do just fine, i will be ready and i will act the way i should. so i surrender.

so, am i ready or not? to be engaged? oh well it's been almost 7 years and i guess nothing much will change after that and we will still be on long distance relationship. so it doesn't really matter. to be someone's wife? wait a second. it could wait, couldn't it?

another beginning

2012-01-13T18:51:00.002+08:00

happy to finally see this :D
i am now officially represented by lemonade agency
contact: info@lemonadeillustration.com

www.lemonadeillustration.com

treasure

2012-01-08T00:50:00.004+08:00

it is so true. what the wise man said. i don't want to be that person who dies having never really lived. ok, everyone needs money, who doesn't? as weird as it sounds, i never dream to be a rich person. i see how rich people live. from what it appears, it makes you envy to death. sometimes it makes you ask, when can i have that amount of money. but from what i witness, having a lot of money isn't everything, and what we see from the outside, isn't the same with the inside. there is always a price to pay. so stop being envy. i believe we are rich enough at the time we are grateful.

universe always has its way to turn our life into something. i don't come from a wealthy family and i myself don't have a steady income. but just in time i need this or that and pay the bills, everything comes into places. so yeah, i'm happy with it. i don't need to be rich to have my needs fulfilled. what i need the most is being happy, surrounded by happy and loving people, people who can enjoy, treasure and appreciate their life.

adi once said, why would you have so much money but you can't live to enjoy it? so true. i learn from my dad about how to live life easily. don't think too much, don't work too hard, don't push everything. let it flow. he's not rich but he enjoys his life and he is happy. when i see other dads insist in opening their shops and miss their time with their family on public holiday, my dad doesn't. he always chooses us. i know i have the best dad one could ever ask :D

people, start living your life, enjoy it to the max so you won't regret a thing when your hair turns all white ;)

irish philosophy

2012-01-04T17:11:00.002+08:00

There are only 2 things to worry about
Either you are well or you are sick.
if you are well,
then there's nothing to worry about..
but if you are sick,
There are 2 things to worry about
either you will get well or you will die
if you get well,
there is nothing to worry about
if you die,
There are 2 things to worry about
either you will go to heaven or hell
if you go to heaven,
there is nothing to worry about
but if you go to hell,
You'll be so busy shaking hands with friends
You won't have time to WORRY!

?!

2012-01-04T16:56:00.003+08:00

it doesn't matter what you think you know, i don't need you anyway. go play with your wrong assumptions and be stupid. i'm fully aware that every words that came out from your mouth is always meant to hurt me, but i know it's jealousy so i'm not hurt by that. i believe, every time you do that i should be happy because you know what, apparently my life is better than yours. if not, why would you be so jealous.

it's 2012 and we are getting older. why don't get yourself a resolution like....get yourself a better life? stop looking at mine and be jealous? seriously. you are like 3 years older than me and you behave like 3 years younger than me. here's my first blog post on 2012, dedicated to you, hoping you will really get a better life and a more peaceful mind.

sincerely,
me.

# i'll tell you a little secret; you are that old. and yet you're no better than me. sorry.

2012 is coming!

2011-12-28T11:20:00.003+08:00

time moves so fast. suddenly it is almost 2012! we'll have lived for a quarter and century or even more next year. can't believe we're that old. some old friends had settled down and started a family. so yeah, we are that old. it's been almost 7 years since we said goodbye to high school, and around the same length since i first met my best friends. feels like i was only 18 years old yesterday and today when i wake up i'm almost 25. crazy, huh?

i'm glad and grateful for every moments in 2011. seems to me now that everything has slowly but sure moved towards to the right places. i got what i'm dreaming of. my best friend in spore has found a guy that suits her best and now she's happy. my other best friend in jakarta is now free from that stupid university, i believe 2012 will bring her a bright future and career, and i believe she'll be able to catch her dream as soon as new year starts! another best friend in sydney has become a real chef, and now he's working in a japanese fusion restaurant just below his apartment! isn't that wonderful? and adi will soon get his master degree and start his career in japan :)

i'm sure 2012 will bring us many more joyful moments, new opportunities and i really hope for a gathering with my best friends somewhere next year :) i miss them too much, you know?

lulu

2011-12-22T16:40:00.003+08:00

got myself a baby bunny last week. so happy because it's my first time having a real pet (hamsters are not really counted, aren't they? :p) i named her lumiere, but let's just call her lulu. she's so adorable and smart and always make me laugh :D christmas is getting closer, i wish you all a peaceful one :)

happy holiday!

it is not an easy thing

2011-12-02T01:48:00.002+08:00

to me, people who can take a decision to get married, amazed me. to me, getting married is not an easy decision. it's not easy at all. imagine one day you get to say your wedding vow. for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us part. yes, till death do us part. it is definitely not an easy vow to say, isn't it? you have to commit till the day you leave this world. and yet, you don't know what's ahead. you don't know what future will bring. you don't know how worse things can be and yet you still have to commit to your vow.

for better for worse. okay. today i heard about a case. a wife had a husband and he was a narcotic junkie. and he had an HIV positive. and the wife is a very, very kind and patient woman and she went through all of that and didnt leave her husband until the day he died. she committed to her wedding vow. how many of us can do that? that make me think, anything can happen along your marriage life. say, if you find your spouse having an affair, how would you go through that? according to the vow, you cant leave him/her. it's the worse part of the vow. you can't leave your spouse while at the same time you are hurt and maybe you hate him/her for doing that. can you stay? and i ask myself the same question, if that happens, can i not leave my spouse? can i forgive? can i keep faithful to my vow?

see? that is not easy. someone told me that i take too much time thinking about getting married. maybe for you that decision is easy. but i take marriage super seriously, and one day when i get to say the vow, i will mean it and say it with all my heart without hesitation. now i am preparing myself. i am convincing myself that he is the one who i want to spend the rest my life with. he is the one that i can always forgive no matter how big his mistake is. and i don't give a f*ck to what people say because i will take all the time i need to make myself ready. because this is a lifetime matter, this is serious and this is definitely not an easy decision to make.

if one day i say the vow to a man i love dearly, you can be sure it means that i take the consequences willingly. it means that if anything bad happens during my marriage, i will always forgive, i will not go away, i will stay, stay until death do us part no matter how hurt i can be. this is a lifetime commitment. and this is not easy. can you do that?

about choices

2011-11-30T01:41:00.003+08:00

among all those choices, we decide. we make decisions every single day. what to eat. where to go. what to do. sometimes we make the wrong choices. sometimes we make the right ones. sometimes the wrong choices take us to the right places. sometimes the wrong choices cause us a big lost. but we human, always choose.

to a friend, i respect your decision. i believe you are mature enough to be responsible for what you had chosen. and despite what people may talk about you, i hope the choice you chose brings you happiness. :)

a dream comes true

2011-11-22T17:06:00.005+08:00

"never let go of hope.

one day you will see that it all has finally come together.

what you have always wished for has finally come to be.

you will look back and laugh at what has passed

and you will ask yourself...

'how did i get through all of that?'"

one of my dreams comes true. it is indeed a beginning of something great. it feels unbelievable. it took me a year, lots of refusals, lots of 'i think i'm gonna give up', lots of doubt about myself. but now it's here. just the way i wished it to be. maybe it is always right, that everything will be fine in the end. that everything will come true when we keep believing. that we can never give up. that hope is real. that effort matters. i am super grateful for everything, especially for parents who are always there, have faith in me and support me silently. i won't give up, i promise and i will do everything it takes to make this even better. :)

about changes

2011-11-01T14:59:00.002+08:00

"Change… We don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying. But here’s the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is… everything."

grey's anatomy season 4 episode 1

have been watching grey's anatomy these days. too much dramas going on, but can't believe i like this series. it doesn't seem to be my taste of tv series (CSI, criminal minds, dexter..) but i don't know, i like this one. somehow it tells about life. real life. that shit happens, that people are complicated, that problems are always there, that life must go on no matter what happened. at the end of the day, after watching two or three episodes of grey's, i lied in my bed, full of thoughts about life. luckily, at that time of the day i still have someone to talk to, to share my thoughts.

change. it's true that i fear it. and now that everything has changed i fear even more. it requires me to adapt, to move on. but maybe when we are grateful, everything is easier to go through.

why?

2011-10-25T17:51:00.004+08:00

this is a mad world. news, rumors, gossips travel faster than ever. privacy has been stolen. we put our self out there, naked. now they can assume what you think. they know what you're doing. what you eat. where you are. and when we aren't careful, we are trapped. we became someone's hot topic of the day.

i've been wondering and asking myself this whole time. why would you want your followers to know that you're sad or angry or hungry or happy? why would you want your followers to know where you are and what you're doing? why?

years ago we shared our feeling to our close friends and family. people were not that connected to each other. i still clearly remember when i made my facebook account on 2006 (0r 2007) then i found this twitter web, asked me to sign up and i thought "why would i want to tell people what i'm doing?" that idea was once didn't make any sense to me.

but now i have a twitter account and in a way, i tell people what i'm doing too. WHY?

disappointment

2011-10-13T02:20:00.002+08:00

i believe everyone had an experience dealing with it. to me, disappointment is when i put my effort and thought into something (or someone) and not being appreciated. it's when i have a high hope in something (or someone), when i believe of one's capability in doing things, when i gave one a chance but all of them went to a waste.

i can be a nicest or kindest person someone ever knows. i give my best to things i love, i give my all to people i love, even i willingly die for someone who is worth so much in my life. and because all of that (give my best to things and people i love), once i get disappointed, they don't have a second chance. i stop everything i used to connect with them. i no longer care. i no longer want to know.

the reason? of course being not appreciated. above all things in the world, one that i hate so much is being not appreciated for what i did. for all the time spent. for all the effort given. for all the attention given. no. there's no second chance, because what? i'm smart enough not to get disappointed for a second time.

that's what friends are for

2011-10-06T23:44:00.002+08:00

it was like a scene in a movie. three of us in a car. raindrops on the window. mellow song as a background. the ultimate "talk". ten years of friendship. and our bond has become stronger than ever. we share. we hold onto each other. we understand.
acceptance.

life is indeed beautiful when you know where to go with all your problems.

early october

2011-10-04T02:15:00.005+08:00

okeh. here i am, membulatkan tekad untuk mengetik sebuah post lagi setelah dua hari yang lalu dikecewakan oleh ke-eror-an si blogger ini. will push ctrl+c first before i push the "publish post" button this time. just in case.

october, entering the third day. september had ended, fast huh? banyak hal-hal terjadi di bulan lalu, kerasa cepet tapi juga panjang. highlight of the month: changes. banyak banget yang berubah, baik dan buruk. but i'm still very grateful of them. dan memasuki bulan baru ini, baru aja menerima another good news. senang. at least now i know that everything is gonna be just fine. mengutip pesan moral dari buku perahu kertas. kalau emang udah harusnya begitu, walaupun jalannya muter-muter yah pada akhirnya pasti begitu :D

first, make the effort, and then everything will follow..
i hope, deep inside my parents' heart, they are proud of me. *fingers crossed*

"Satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort. Full effort is full victory."
Mahatma Gandhi

born this way

2011-09-16T01:16:00.003+08:00

everyone was born differently. we can't choose who we are. pretty, ugly, tall, short, fat, slim, gay, straight, smart, not so smart. we were born to this world with our own advantages and disadvantages, plus and minus. we like it or not, we can't choose, and what really matters is how we live our life. let just say God put us in this world with a purpose and a mission. and there must be a reason behind everything that you are.

many people are not satisfied with their life. i was not born pretty. i was not born in a happy family. i was not born straight. i will be ultimately happy if i was pretty, if i had a happy family, if i was straight. but the facts say, you are not. and you have nobody, nothing to blame. not your parents, not your God. and you can't change a thing. you can't change how you were born. but one thing for sure, you can change how you face it, you can change your point of view.

that no matter how hard life is, no matter how imperfect we were born into this world, we still can make our life beautiful. we still can make differences. we still can make this life meaningful. don't be limited of what the society think nowadays, don't be limited by the rules. as long as we do good things, just believe another good thing follows.

we are not sinful for being ugly or gay or stupid; what makes us sinful is by not doing the right thing. :) we are what we are, learn to accept it and be happy about it. and make a difference by always doing the good things :)

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way"

Born This Way - Lady Gaga

thank you

2011-09-13T23:48:00.002+08:00

today i read so many bad news, both on friends' bbm status and twitter. and tonight i gathered with my best friends and one told me that the one she knows passed away too today. she talked about someone who used to be an ice skating coach, who had fought cancer in his last time in this world. life would never stop giving us surprises, both good and bad. all we can do along the way is to be grateful even for the smallest thing.

earlier today i was taking a nap, i have this bad cough for days and i need much time for rest. i was barely able to hold my bb, especially when i just got up. my hands felt so weak i could barely read all those bbm, let alone replied. there was this one girl who is actually my reseller ( i sell bags-not currently active in doing it but i have this one reseller who always come back looking for me even after a long period of time not being in contact), she asked about this and that and informed me about some bag order, and i only replied super short "ok". not long she bbm-ed me again, to let me know that she has transferred some cashed, and again i replied "ok." She said thank you word and i replied "you are welcome". then after that she text-ed me again, she wrote "never forget to say thank you to my buyer."

i am grateful for this small reminder in my life. i can be sick, i can be forgetful, i can be careless but God sent her to pinch my skin to remind me to say "thank you". "thank you" is a short sentence, but yet has a great power in our life. i am sorry i didn't say thank you to you earlier, but hey, thanks for reminding!

so again, life is short. appreciate the little things, always look for the positive side from everything that happens, be the person who always lighten the day, treasure the moment with your beloved ones and be grateful, like always. :)

to a friend, a great one.

2011-09-07T21:31:00.004+08:00

i couldn't imagine how hard it is on you. i could never know the feeling to be in your shoes. i couldn't imagine how to deal with life under such pressure. but i believe you are more than strong to face it. i'm here, writing this for you just to let you know that you are not alone. that i will always accept you as you are, that i love you as much as before, that nothing will change between us.

i hope you too will love, appreciate and accept yourself. and i want to tell you not to look down on yourself just because you are different. being different is extra ordinary, and you define that. i am flattered to know that from so many, you chose to talk to me. to know that i mean something for someone makes my life even more meaningful.

i want you to know that i will always be there to support you. just come to me anytime you need someone to talk to. i will be there for you with my ears ready to listen. and i too want to let you know that you bring so much laughter into my life. i am forever grateful to meet and have you as a best friend in life.

"love is not a because; it is a no matter what"
jodi picoult

about us :)

2011-09-04T22:57:00.006+08:00

Found this on tumblr and i think it's fun! let's have a walk down my love life memory lane :D

1. Your name / their name

* adi and phi

2. Your ages

* almost a quarter of a century

3. Your locations

* osaka and bandung

4. How did you meet?

* i and my friend were teaching monday school on church and he came after we finished to meet us and had lunch together

5. Since when have you been together?

* july 11th 2005 around 2 am (but we insisted to make it look like it happened on 10th :p)

6. What is the most random thing you know about him/her?

* he loves to eat "tempe" so much

7. How do you communicate with each other?

* currently via yahoo messenger, ping chat and skype

8. Favourite thing you’ve given him/her?

* i love to buy him clothes :D and make him look good in it :D

9. Favourite thing she/he has given you?

* a bunch of love letters :D

10. Favourite thing about him/her?

* he can always make me laugh :D

11. Pick one thing you miss (I know there are 19238923842039402394 things) and describe it in detail.

* one thing i miss? of course himself! he's so far away :'(

12. How would you define love?

* an inseparable bond

13. What do you think is the hardest thing about distance?

* bad connection!

14. Describe a moment you had with him/her last time you were together. (If you haven’t met, describe how the perfect moment would be)

* too many. but he did pamper me :D

15. Favourite love song?

* all about loving you - bon jovi

16. Favourite love movie?

* hmmmm...we love action movies :p but to me, the notebook

17. Favourite love quote?

* love is not blind, it sees but it doesn't mind :)

18. Post a picture of the two of you together. (If you don’t have one, post a picture of something you can/could relate to)

* see the bottom of this page :D

19. I know there’s not one thing, but choose one of your favourite things to hear her/him say.

* good morning beautiful :D it is a magic sentence that always brighten up my morning

20. Is there something you regret? (either about the relationship, or something you have done)

* nope. but maybe i hope i met him a little sooner :) the x-factor was kinda tricky

21. Give us a little insight (as much as you’re comfortable) on your sex life (either with this person physically, or your general history, or over the phone ha, whatever you want)

* skip-

22. Share something cute. (A story, something either of you have done, a song, memory, wish, dream)

* we used to play rock-paper-scissors on msn by drawing those things and we counted 1 2 3 and pushed enter. it was so damn funny, i laughed until i cried :DDDDD

23. Do you have a song? Which one is it? (if you don’t, then what is something that always reminds you of him/her)

* our song was tulus - radja (rrrr...cheesy i know, it was 2005 okay :p) and menanti sebuah jawaban - padi

24. Describe him/her physically and emotionally/personality-wise

* he is mature yet at times can be spoiled and childish but i love the combination of it :) he protects me well, i feel secure and comfortable around him. and he is a responsible gentle man :D

25. One thing that he/she does that pisses you off (even if that smile will get you every time)

* when he is too busy and becomes ignorant

26. Sweetest thing he/she has done for you

* he massaged my feet after we walked all day in jakarta :D

27. If you had the money/time/connections/whatever to get him/her any gift in the world, what would it be?

* being there for him anytime he needs me :D i would love to cook him and feed him with lots of food :D

28. If you could have him/her with you physically for the next 5 hours, what would you do?

* hug him for 5 hours.... hahaha!\

29. When will you see her/him next?

* maybe on march next year :'(

30. Where do you see your future going with him/her?

* in our future house, starting a family :)

beauty is real pain!

2011-09-03T12:55:00.012+08:00

i had a short trip with my family to ujung kulon for hari raya holiday. it was a short and super tiring trip i've ever had in my life. we rode the bus together with other tour members, we departed at 10pm and arrived at 10 am! that means we sat for 12 hours until we reached the place we'd spend our nights! crazy! turned out, the place was horrible. it was a house with 7 rooms, which i'm pretty sure it's not finished yet. there were holes in the room which was meant to place exhaust fan, but the fan was not there yet and left it an empty hole. empty as in empty. no newspaper to cover it or wire or anything. so the room was filled with insects and other animals. disgusting. i and my brother wanted to go back home as soon as we saw the room. haha!

so we did nothing at the first day but staying on the terrible motel and swam at the beach in the afternoon. the place was out of nowhere, the road to the motel was seriously bad and we couldn't go anywhere (because it was really in the middle of nowhere). pathetic. the next day we planned to go to peucang island at 5 am in the morning. so we woke up at dawn, hoping we would jump on the boat soon but... the boat was not there until 10 am! CRAZY. that day was the hari raya though, so the man who was supposed to take us to the island was having family gathering and he came late. we went by the boat to the island anyway, and it took 2 and a half hours to get there!!!!! SUPER CRAZY. it was not a nice big boat okay, it was a normal wood-made-fisherman boat and it was not okay to sit in it for two and a half hours, and oh, it took 3 hours to go back!!! so the total amount of time we spent on that boat was FIVE AND A HALF HOURS. crazy.

peucang island was AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL though. it was the best beach i've ever been in indonesia, the water was super clear and blue and the sand was white, the sky was beautiful and everything else was perfect. (but the struggle we did to go there...) Okay, back to the whole trip. the suffering was not stop there. the next day we headed back home, we jumped on to the bus at 7 in the morning and.........we reach home at midnight. the traffic was jam and we couldn't find a proper dinner because the restaurants were closed and the one opened didn't have anything much left. so i only had a plate of white rice with a salted egg for dinner!! grrrrrr.

that's all about my suffering holiday i guess. here's some pictures, enjoy!

the breath taking peucang island

wonderful people

2011-08-27T22:55:00.004+08:00

i didn't meet such wonderful people in my first 18 years of life. beside my own parents and brother, the rest was a cruel world. when i was little, i was bullied by my cousins (which made them certainly not wonderful people), and there were things going on with some relatives too (yes, they too were not wonderful people), and when i was older i had a long story with people i met along the way (...some of them are wonderful though). the first 18 years had created who i am today. someone who is lack of confidence and always behaves awkward around people. yes, i am not good with people. at all. i don't like meeting people. i don't like going to parties. i don't like to meet old friends with whom i have no connection. i'm not even good at saying "hi" to people. in short, i prefer to pretend not seeing them to avoid the awkwardness (in my defence :p). don't misjudge me, sometimes i too have my "blank moment" and i really don't see an acquaintance until my friend tells me so and just after they are gone i am too late to say hi.

so, when i was 18 i met adi. and the whole world changed after that. i met the most wonderful man i could ever ask. not short after i met the most wonderful best friends too in malaysia. and life until now has been great, beyond my expectation. knowing my closest people means knowing their families too. we spent much time together both adi and my best friends, and having opportunities to get to know their families is truly a blessing. their families are like themselves, simply wonderful.

life moves on and of course i can't always expect that everything will stay the same. now i am separated with adi and my best friends but hey, i was blessed by the union of my neighbor slash junior high classmates. and yes, they are another group of wonderful people who at the end of the day brings me fun and happiness. earlier this year, i took a japanese course and after one grade i decided to continue the study. last week when adi was here i skipped 2 classes and of course i missed the lesson. but then a classmate sent me sms-es telling me all the lesson i missed. i didn't even ask her about it, but she texted me and let me know everything. such a kind hearted wonderful people! big thanks! :D

i would say the 18 years were worth the wait :) i can't change what had happened or who i am nowadays but i am grateful that my life now is surrounded by wonderful people.

francois

2011-08-24T17:24:00.005+08:00

my hamster is dying! what can i do? he is a year and a half now, so i guess he is old for hamster age. his eyes get blind and now he is so weak. i am so pity to see him. huhu.. now i can understand how sad someone can be when his pet (especially if it's a dog) dies. i will let you go francois, i hope you wont suffer much.

secangkir teh punyaku

2011-08-12T00:24:00.007+08:00

jatuh cinta padamu begitu sederhana.

suatu waktu hidupku adalah secangkir teh tawar,

kau membawa manis pada cangkirku,

membuatnya lebih ternikmati

seiring waktu berlalu

kau tidak pernah gagal menyajikan teh sesuai seleraku

tak pernah terlalu pahit,

tak juga terlalu manis

enam tahun pun lewat,

dan hari ini aku menikmati teh ku lebih dari biasanya

aku, jatuh cinta lagi.

terima kasih, sayang

untuk semuanya

mom

2011-08-06T13:07:00.003+08:00

distant gives me a chance to miss the one i love, to love the ones i love even more, to really appreciate the time i have with them. when i'm closed with them, i tend to underestimate the relationship between myself and them, i tend to not appreciate and treasure their presence in my life. it's human, isn't it? we, human won't know what we lose until we lose it for real.

when i studied in malaysia, i was away from my family for 4 years. i experienced how it feels like to live alone, to clean up my own bedroom and bathroom, to be responsible for myself. there's no mom to wake me up in the morning, to remind me about my assignments, to cook me food, to take care of me when i was sick. that made me realizes, how tired it is to clean up, how tired she is when our servant goes home and she has to take all the house work. there was one time when she text me and said that she was very tired because our servant is not there. and i replied, if i were there, i would help you clean up.

now that i am here, live closely with my family i rarely remember how it feels when i was away. it's a whole different feeling. i often get angry when my mom asks too much. i don't obey her words. i don't even have the patience to teach her how to operate a blackberry or to explain to her how to use internet. so this morning, when i received a bbm about a mother, i was slapped. and i am reminded how it feels to be away from them, especially from my mom.

i won't know how much mom loves me until i give birth to my own kids. someone said, to explain how big a mother's love to her kids is like to explain the color red to a blind person. and i am lucky enough to be born girl, so i will know how much a mother loves her children once i become a mother.

it won't be long until the time i have to be away from her. once i'm married i will be away for the rest of my life. and i better use all the time i have now to be obedient, to do what she asks, to be a better daughter for her. i feel sorry for all my misbehavior, i know i haven't done much to make her proud. i will change my attitude, and do what it takes before it's too late. i don't want to regret for not having done enough for the most precious person in my life.

i love you mom.

better

2011-08-05T02:03:00.003+08:00

there are things that we better don't see
there are things that we better don't know
there are things that we better don't say
there are things that we better don't share
there are people who we better avoid
there are people whom we better listen to

there are things that become better when we do all of the above
there are reasons for me to have done that...

agustus!

2011-08-01T23:28:00.002+08:00

setelah entah berapa lama, hari ini gw memutuskan untuk nge-blog dengan bahasa indonesia. kangen juga hehe.. kemarin gw baru nyelsein kerjaan ilustrasi untuk lima buku anak-anak berseri. setelah lima bulan yang panjang, kerjaan ini selesai! selesai! it feels unbelievable. kaya jaman kuliah dulu, setiap satu proyek selesai, rasanya ga percaya. i actually can do that. i made them...with my only two hands. lebay sih emang. tapi emang gitu rasanya, plong, lega, kaya ada beban yang diangkat dari dalem.. dan di saat bersamaan, saking leganya.. jadi kosong, kaya ada yang hilang. hahahaha, aneh ya?

ya sekarang gw bingung. what will i do next with my life? mendadak takut ya ga ada kerjaan, ga punya pegangan. walaupun pengen banget fokus bikin naskah cerita anak-anak gitu, tapi.. terlalu banyak tapi. hahaa.. mungkin untuk beberapa saat, sambil nunggu yang di osaka pulang liburan, gw bakal...menenangkan pikiran. ngatur yang di dalem dulu deh biar bener. belakangan ini rasanya segala pikiran ga jelas campur aduk jadi satu. ga tenang aja rasanya. iya gara-gara mikirin i want that so bad but i can't get that until now..that tortures my mind. ugh.

until then, wishing you all a better month in august :)

pain

2011-07-23T14:05:00.005+08:00

Pain is a part of life.
Sometimes it's a big part,
and sometimes it isn't,
but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle,
the deep music, the great game.
Pain does two things:
it teaches you, tells you that you're alive.
Then it passes away and leaves you changed.
It leaves you wiser, sometimes.
Sometimes it leaves you stronger.
Either way, pain leaves its mark,
and everything important that will ever happen to you in life
is going to involve it in one degree or another.

Jim Butcher

two years after

2011-07-21T00:56:00.004+08:00

suddenly it's been 2 years after graduation. and what have i done? i have illustrated almost 10 children books, five of them had been published. and one of them i wrote myself (i'm not sure i can be called author though, maybe half-author hahaha...). and my works were displayed for two exhibitions this year. now i'm doing freelance job for children's clothing and t-shirts. i'm still confuse. still won't get an office job, yet i need the money. being 24 without a regular income is rather depressing. deep inside my heart i really want to find an agent who can represent me. i tried my best, i sent my portfolio and i got tons of rejection. sometimes i feel so lost. i know this is what i want most but hey, there is still no way. but i still won't give up. just sent another submission for another agency, i really really hope i can get it this time.

time really flies. one night, i and my friends went karaoke, we sang the graduation song by vitamin c. the lyric went like this.. and so we talked all night about the rest of our lives where we're gonna be when we turn 25.. i automatically shouted, hey we're going to be 25 soon! it's crazy how high school was 6 years ago! yeah it's crazy to realize how old we are now. 25. i remember clearly the day i blogged when i was going to be 20. and 5 years passed in a blink of an eye. c r a z y.

it's funny, the way things go. after high school most of us were separated due to the location of our colleges. but after college, here we are, back in our hometown, reunited. and years from now, we are going to be separated again once we get married. i feel so blessed now i live in bandung. still have some things i really dislike though, but i'm so grateful to live near them and treasure every moment that we missed for 6 years.

maybe, later in life when i am older i would regret the decision i didn't make. or maybe not. but a little part of myself scream that i could take the opportunity to live and work in singapore, in fact i didn't. i'm not sure when will i get married, but since i will turn 25 next year and we've been together for 6 years, it will be inevitable in 2 or 3 more years. and it seems that one day i get to move to where adi works and lives. torture between choices, i chose to stay. i will make the best years treasuring moments with my close friends and family. we've been far for 4 years or so, i wouldn't dare to go too far right now.

still waiting and hoping for the best, yes, the very best. please, please i really want to get an agent soon!!! *fingers crossed*

what i prefer

2011-07-15T14:24:00.003+08:00

it's been a week or more since i cut my time on twitter. i no longer read my time line as often as before, sometimes a day passed without i open it at all. i no longer tweet like i used to tweet. somehow these days i feel that i get my freedom back. my life was once consumed by that super famous social networking media. it was fun at first, but after a while it made me want to puke. it is indeed, too much information. i don't go against people who use it often though, it's just between myself.

the thing i'm afraid most is the misunderstanding and the assumption people can make from what i tweet. there are certain people on my follower list that can easily make wrong assumption and judge based only from what they think. i can't accept such risk. i hate being judged wrongly. sometimes silent is golden. and i too really don't care about what people are doing or eating or watching or wanting or feeling or complaining about. so to read the time line currently becomes so annoying. i decide to stop that habit.

i do the same to my facebook. i limit everything. i no longer update my status, i locked most of my photo albums. once i tried to open up, a little preview from mobile upload is okay, i thought. but then someone whom i thought should relate to me on professional basis wrote some comments on my pictures and even asked the question related to my pictures on e-mail (that supposed to be work-related e-mail). it bugged me. we have this professional relationship, i would like to keep it that way. we haven't even met for god's sake. so i locked it again.

so these days my life has become a little quieter, yet much more peaceful. :)

this is for you.

2011-07-10T04:08:00.005+08:00

to you,

the one who never complains about my weight or appearance
who always tells me that i am beautiful no matter what
who always assure me that i am okay with whatever my choice is
who always makes me feel pretty inside and out
who is far but always there
who always catches me whenever i fall
who always involves me in every decision he'll make
who never forgets to write me letter on special occasion

to you,
who makes the last six years so colorful
who reminds me about the good thing i have as i am
who fights tremendously for future
who never fails to make me laugh
who manages everything to be so fine at the end

to you,
love

i say thank you
you know i could never ask for anyone better
to spend my days with

to us,
for many more year of togetherness
for the dreams we yet to share
for happiness along the way

happy sixth anniversary

us

2011-06-27T23:34:00.003+08:00

june is coming to the end. soon, it's time for us to celebrate our sixth anniversary. the second anniversary we can only celebrate via skype. that is too bad. i miss our anniversary dinner. our relationship is definitely growing stronger. and we can understand each other much better. i am so proud of him, witnessing how hard he works and studies everyday. and it's so flattering to know that he sees me in his future. i wish us the best, hope we have all the patience we need, hand in hand supporting each other when we are far away. come home soon love, i miss you so much. :)

beauty.

2011-06-26T22:58:00.002+08:00

it's every girl's dream to be pretty. and as we grow up, we get to know stuffs that can make us look prettier. mascara, lipstick, blush on, eyeliner, compact powder, ... and the list go on. i'm not the kind of girl who really cares about the way i look. i'm not really interested in make up. but yes, i'm a girl and i too have a dream to be pretty. i have some of the items i mention above but i don't really know how to use them properly. other girls may scream and their mood suddenly turn bad when they have one or two pimples on their faces. but i don't, because i have hundreds of them on my forehead. and i still haven't found the right way to make them disappear. and i never own any concealer to cover my pimples.

sometimes it makes me upset. i had a clean face back in high school when everybody else had problems with pimples. but now when they all look so pretty, these pimples keep growing on my forehead. like any other girls, i too make an effort to make my face look prettier. i seldom use foundation or compact powder, because i have these pimples and i think, foundation and compact powder will make them even worse. so i skip that step. i usually only wear black eye liner, blush on and lip balm. i can't even draw my eyebrows. i have to get someone to shape it and i never put an effort to draw them. i tried, and i looked super weird. so i never do it again.

i like the feeling of being pretty when i wear make up. but i don't put my make up on everyday because i am too lazy to clean it up. but yes, sometimes when i feel like it, i put my make up on. but today, something changed my mind.

i met someone, face to face for the first time. we usually talked via facebook and never see each other face. she's older than me but i dont know her exact age. i saw her face, so pretty...without any make up on. she looks real pretty, young, fresh....without make up! suddenly i feel so ugly. really really ugly. and i ask myself again and again. do i really need those make up just to feel pretty? does it really matter to look pretty? does it make any good for myself? or it's just my ego to present myself to make people see what i'm actually not? is it just a mask? or what?

i asked my bf these questions:
dear, do i look ugly if i dont put my make up on?
or do i look prettier when i put my make up on?

and he answered:
you look pretty both way.

geeeezzzzz...that is one of the reasons why i love him so much. he said, just enjoy life. yeah, it doesn't really matter how i look like. my closest people know who i really am, i don't need to be someone i'm not. i don't need to look pretty, as long as i am happy and enjoy my life.. :)

so long, twitter!

2011-06-22T10:23:00.003+08:00

currently i feel so intimidated by twitter, so i decided to turn my twitter off in my blackberry and open it in macbook just to check mentions from my friends. i think it was the best decision, since to unfollow so many people feels so rude. (or maybe i should create another account just to get the exact information i need, like newaspapers and traffic info). i don't know why but somehow nowadays, witnessing other people conversation about things that i dont really need to know is disturbing. and witnessing other people feeling about every thing that happens in their lives is as much disturbing. i'm now at one point that i don't care, i don't want to know, i really don't want to know. twitter has stolen my peace. so yeah, i'm gonna off from twitter for a while. for a loooooong while i guess...

draw!

2011-06-19T20:13:00.004+08:00

growing up, i always know that i want to be a fashion designer. but hey, who ever knows that now i end up being a children book illustrator. i love drawing since i was little, i used to draw right after i finished my homework. i had it all : pencil colors, water colors, crayons, and my favorite drawing utensil was my marvy markers. it came in a box, 100 of them, big and colorful. definitely my favorite. my drawings were mostly about kids playing in the park, or sometimes i drew the ugly replica of minnie mouse or sylvester. i didn't grow up with other disney's princess stuff (too bad...isn't it every little girl's dream?), all i was familiar with is only mickey mouse and friends though i never read donald duck magazine and neither did i watch any of their movies.

when i was in third or four grade i started my addiction in making manga. i'm pretty sure i was influenced by those "serial cantik" mangas. it went for some years until i stopped in second grade of junior high school. i still had them all. silly stuffs but i have like hundred pages of them and 20 more books of them. (and yes, i still have them all until now! and laughed at myself reading those silly stories and looking at those ugly manga-want-to-be-drawing.) now i even can't believe how many pages i drew every single day. my dad used to scold me because i wasted so much books and papers! hahaha.. i refused to use used papers, i always want new book for every new story and clean new papers to draw. naughty!

i started to draw fashion drawing when i was nine or ten. even until high school i still loved to draw dresses. i tried to learn to sew when i was in high school and was aiming for fashion school but too bad, at that time limkokwing didn't offer degree program in fashion so my parents didn't allow me to take that. they wanted me to have a bachelor degree, not a diploma. so i let go my passion in fashion and i don't regret it even until now. because you know what? i'm no good in sewing or making pattern. i once learned to make a shirt and i had to fix it for so many times before i got it right. but well, at least i made a skirt and a shirt with my own hands once in my life. hahaha..

the decision was right because no matter how i love to draw fashion illustration, i'm not a fashionable person. i didn't even know about fashion brands or the name of famous fashion designers (hellooooo...). it's like those models in america's next top model on their first episode, being asked to pose like their favorite models but some of them have no idea about those famous models. kinda silly isn't it? now i know about famous brands and designers but i have no interest to pamper myself with branded clothes or expensive bags or shoes or whatever that thing is. i don't even know how to take care of my own face!! (my ugly-full of pimples face-but-i-can-do-nothing-about-it-but-to-let-it-be).

so i may be destined to be a children books illustrator. although i'm having a tough road nowadays, but just have a little faith. i will find a way, won't i? ;)

take the fall

2011-06-11T18:24:00.005+08:00

forget the risk and take the fall,
if it's what you want then its' worth it all.

my dream will be over in a week. back to my hometown, back to reality. which im still not sure what kind of reality i'll have. yeap. i know what i want, i just haven't found the way. i've made the effort but all i get was refusals. yeah im getting used to it i guess. but i'm not giving up just yet. that's the only thing i'm good at and i love doing it. and i'm not a quitter.

will have money problem for sure, but if that's the sacrifice i have to make, let it be. i'm okay, i still have a place to live and food to eat, it's just i have to really manage the money i have for the things i really need. sometimes books blind me. can't stand to buy them especially children books. i bought 5 new children books here to add to my collection. doh. (now that i'm confused how to bring them home, books are...heavy!). as for clothes or make up or bags or shoes... nothing will do good to me as long as i have these pimples around my forehead, so... just forget it. currently i love food more that stuffs i guess (really cant ignore the temptation from snacks and chocolates!) but books will always be my number one on the list. hehe..

and i have to close my ears to hurtful comments from people. yeah they always think i'm jobless just because i don't have office work but they will never understand what i'm after right now. i have plans. you don't have to ask what i'm doing every time you meet me. it's just a waste of time because no matter how often i explain, you are clearly not smart enough to understand. sigh.

will keep my spirit high. believe. and continue doing what i love.
and will try my best not to get disturbed by what other people may say.

hey june!

2011-06-05T23:56:00.004+08:00

after a year and 4 months, we finally met again! in melbourne!

two out of five

We don’t have too much time here
And time it travels far too fast..

yea, it's june already. i've been living in melbourne for a month! and i'm going home in 2 weeks. being here, far from home, reminds me how much i love living in another country. life has been easier, happier and i am at peace. i seldom check my twitter, i don't give a damn about people in bandung, i don't have to "accidentally" hear about celebrities gossips.. i dont really care about anything but myself. i have to make the most of my last 2 weeks here. i definitely will miss this beautiful city, its friendly people, its victorian buildings, its environment...everything!

to be here, spend some time with one of my best friends is a precious experience. i wouldn't know when or where we'll meet each other and spend time together again.. i'm happy and grateful for the opportunity i got while at the same time, a little bit sad. thinking about future, doesn't it make you sad when you live far far away from your best friends? in fact, none of us live in the same city!!! where would you go when you need them? and sometimes reality hits me, the only time we can gather again it would be on someone's wedding. and after that... noone knows.

i just re-read my last year posts. and it gave me strength. i once was so confident about what i'm doing. i just have to keep it going. refusal took my confidence away, but i won't give up just yet. i know what i want i just haven't found the way. yeah i better focus on the present, finish my short course, do the assignments well, finish the job, enjoy the last 2 weeks here, and don't think too much. too much thinking will definitely ruin my days!

june, be nice to me :)

something big

2011-05-21T22:10:00.002+08:00

Like a grain of sand that wants to be a rolling stone
I want to be the man I'm not,
and have the things I really haven't got,
and that's a lot.

There'll be joy and there'll be laughter.
Something big is what I'm after now
Yes, it's what I'm after now...

After taking, take up giving,
something big is what I'm living for.
Yes, it's what I'm living for, living for...

Why do I go on and fill my life with little things
when there are big things I must do,
and lots of dreams that really should come true before I'm through...

Something Big - Burt Bacharach
1971

lovely melbourne #2

2011-05-19T17:33:00.002+08:00

this city is super beautiful. i like everything in here. the old victorian buildings, the green park, the yellow and red leaves falling, the wide and clean road.. i don't know what i will feel once i have to go back home. i'm really gratefull to have this opportunity to be here, to experience all of this and looking at a whole different view. today was sunny. i and lisa took a walk to the park where we had some picture taking sessions and oh, we also rolled on the grass!!! no words can express how happy and grateful i am for today :)

lovely melbourne

2011-05-10T18:02:00.005+08:00

so here i am, in the beautiful melbourne. the class will start tomorrow at 6 pm, i'm excited! today is my 4th day here, and so far i went here and there, looked around the city, remembered the tram route to campus, cooked, and walked. i like it here. everything looks so beautiful and the people seem so nice. today i fell down near to the tram station and when i got in the tram, the driver approached me and ask if i was okay. that's a super nice thing stranger could treat you. it's my mistake and he still asks. it's very cold nowadays but the environment is very very pleasant.

love everything in here! :D

friendship

2011-05-06T03:13:00.004+08:00

looking back, i was a girl who had no luck in friendship. life went hard, there was a time when i had no one to be with during recess time and all i could do was going to library and read some books until the time i had to go back to class. i think i learned about friendship the hard way, and fortunately i learned it very early. it was 1999, the first time i lost all my best friends.

when i was in sixth grade of elementary school, i had this group of friends with whom i played basketball most of the time. and we passed the exam and went to junior high school together. i remembered those sweet moments clearly, how closed i was to them, how we got on the phone almost every night, talking about boys and stuffs.

on the first grade of junior high, i had whom i called my best friends turned their backs on me. i was so mad, thinking 'what have i done wrong?' but i couldn't even cry. i learned to let things go. anyway, i think i've got used to the bully my cousins did to me so it didn't hurt me so bad. i tried to get along with my classmates, and had new friends. at the end of the first grade i had another problem though, someone made the whole class "un-friended" me and even told my teacher that i did bad things. on that period, i had my first relationship with my senior and i didn't have a good relationship with his girl friends either. but i survived all the way.

the second grade of junior high didn't go smooth as well. it was okay at first but then..i had most of my classmates hated me. someone was jealous or hate me and she successfully made everyone else hated me too. great. this is the period when i had no one, no friends, and i went to library to spent my recess time. on the third grade, i got close with my ex-classmates who turned to be my neighbors. everything went well until today, they are my oldest group of friends and i am so comfortable to spend time with them.

it was not a sweet memory as i went through some tough roads, but i still can smile remembering those moments today. if it wasn't for my tough past about friendship, i wouldn't get where i am right now. the thing is, currently i befriended with my ex best friends during junior high school on facebook. it's just funny to see their photographs, how they become nowadays and ask myself a silly question "what would it be if we are still best friends until now?". maybe i won't get the friends i'm with today.

but i'm grateful for what the past brings me. i'm having the greatest time with my best friends slash neighbors. i love them, we always have so much fun, they always make my days and i always laugh when i'm with them. and life grants me with the best friends one could ever asked during high school and university life. those who can accept me the way i am and left me many unforgettable moments.. :)

in between

2011-04-27T21:23:00.002+08:00

april is coming to an end.
it's not a productive month but i did manage to finish another book. not too bad.
4 more books to go. but kinda excited thinking that by the end of this year im gonna have 11 books published. wow. i maybe still feel insecure about me having no monthly salary. but maybe this struggle and journey will worth the wait at the end. gonna go to jakarta on sunday to see world book day's exhibition where five of my works are there. the first real exhibition since i graduated. maybe it's nothing but i feel so great.

may is coming.
i'm really excited to go somewhere new, meet new people, have different experience. hopefully the short course will turn out great and useful!! have to think about future plans. what to do once i'm back. office job? maybe.

2011-04-25T23:58:00.002+08:00

no matter how hard i try to understand, if you never take any effort to do the same to me,
THIS WILL NOT WORK.

.

2011-04-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

BUDDHA

free.

2011-04-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

now i know what my problem is. it's my own expectation. he never limits me, i know. i just don't realize it. i can't live by measuring my life to others'. i don't stay just because other people had planned something and i'm part of it. no. this whole life is mine. i'm free to do what i need or i want to do.

sometimes i really would like to be blind. just so i can't see around about what MOST people do and make me out of focus. if i don't see i wouldn't want it, would i? but hey, i am NOT most people. i don't have to be like them cause i'm not. i don't have to follow the life guidelines given by parents if i don't want to.

i have dream. i do things that most people don't. i am who i am. i build my own dream which clearly different from what most people dream. i am free. he sets me free, why would i sit and wait on my golden cage? i'm free for God's sake why didn't i realize it?

i have to go out there and catch my dreams before i come back and settle and begin a new life. i still have time, lots of time for my freedom, then why would i want their dream? their ordinary dreams. no, the real competition is here. to make myself who i always want to be.

thank you, for making me realize.

happier.

2011-04-03T23:40:00.002+08:00

it's april. a new month. a happier life. one of my best friends finally came back for good. he brings us happiness. now my days are more colorful, the old gank is back!! yaaaay... 2 nights in a row we had dinner and we talked and talked and talked... and when we said goodbye we knew, the conversation has not finished yet. there are more to come. and now we all are here. close to one another. just like before.

i'm happier for sure. i laugh a lot. he always made our days. thanks God now he's here, what a blessing :) lonely days surely be gone....

rindu.

2011-04-01T00:15:00.003+08:00

perasaaan ini bernama rindu.
padamu.
pada masa lalu.
pada hal-hal yang sudah berdebu.

perasaan ini bernama rindu.
senyumku.
tangisku.

perasaan ini bernama rindu.
ada di tiap hariku.

bad luck. good luck.

2011-03-24T14:55:00.002+08:00

i grew up in an environment that believes in superstitious things. fortunately, my dad is an open minded person who thinks modern and doesn't give a damn for that kind of thing. but my big family is a whole different story. this superstitious things left me a big question mark through out the journey of my life. when i was little i didn't have any idea why to do something or to decide something in your life, you have to ask another person. a person who is believed has "power" to see what's good and what's not good in your life.

i've never had someone to predict my future. i never want to know too though. it's kinda scared me to have no surprises in my future life, i prefer not to know and live life as i please. but then, living in a chinese family is a different thing. although i don't want to know, there must be a time i heard it accidentally. when i was a teenager, i read horoscope in some random teenage magazine, but i read it just for fun..it's like an hour later i've already forgotten what i read. back to the chinese family thing. last month was a chinese new year celebration, so the talk about the year is always there. which zodiacs who are good in this rabbit year, and which zodiacs who are said to have bad luck in this year. and this year, people said that mine is under the one who is considered bad.

but i don't really care. as long as i don't give up, i believe good luck will follow. i have this weird belief that when i got bad luck, it's a sign that good luck is on the way. it turns out true! (at least to me :p) so yeah, just wanna let you know, live your life as you please, don't get scared of some random predictions about your zodiac. this is your life, make the most of it! :D

happy monday

2011-03-14T12:25:00.003+08:00

this means a lot to me :D

f.

2011-03-13T00:04:00.003+08:00

Rainy saturday night. Alone.
I miss things that once were there, on the right places. people, stuffs, feelings, togetherness, conversations... tonight my thought goes to a friend of mine, a kind hearted guy who is silly, naive, and not so courageous. but he is kind, understanding, loyal, and once was a good companion. things change, life moves on. i always write that phrase but never fully understand it, i guess.

when it comes to friendship, there's always a price. a good friend, no matter how much she/he is hurt, she/he will always finds a way to understand. friendship means understanding, at least, to myself. and in my life it goes in a circle too, i was hurt, and then i hurt my best friend, i got hurt again by another friend, and i hurt another best friend...it goes that way, although i never mean to hurt them. the understanding part works here, it bonds you to your friends, and makes the friendship lasts.

i understand when i have a good male friend, there will come a time i have to let him go. when he has a girlfriend. of course, we can't be as close as we were. that is not possible. and this condition is such a pity. and yeah, i kinda feel betrayed. we were close, we shared stories, even he shared stories with me and my boyfriend. and there were saturday nights when the three of us had dinner together and listened to his stories. things went pretty well, until he had a girlfriend. everything changed 180 degree from that time. i don't understand why, nowadays it's always his girlfriend who contacts me about almost everything. we are going to here or there, are you gonna join? if you wanna join we will pick you up. or i just heard the news, is your bf okay? he says hello too to your bf. my god. like he doesnt own any bb or like he's busy as hell to type message by himself.

it doesnt make sense. at least to me. i was closed to him. not her. why cant we be just like before? why cant you talk to me by yourself? i dont get it. at all. i and adi, we take our own business by our selves. if it's adi's friends then he can freely text them or shares stories with them. i don't mind. even if his friends are girls. i don't even want to text his friends for him, he's big enough, free enough, he can do it by himself. it's like...uhmmm..losing privacy. losing a friend. or maybe multiple your friend from one to two, although you don't really want the other one. but the choice is take it or leave it. so i leave it. it's too far from my thought i can't even reach it. doesnt make sense. i understand that to make things normal, i just have to leave it. things cant go back to the way they were but at least now we are still friends. not as good as before though. but better than becoming enemies.

one of my friend was accused when this whole thing happened. the gf accused her that she became so hard on herself because she lost her "driver". dooh. super shallow thought. really. things change, and when it changes too much we all need some time to adapt. it's not that she lost a driver. that's not the point. but we all did lose a togetherness that once we all shared together in a car, on the way to enjoy our saturday nights. all of sudden there are no more saturday nights like we always had for the past emmm... 4 years. of course we need time to adapt and maybe to grieve!! and hey, don't you remember that we are girls, we have to make some distance from our ex close friend who now is your bf. she knows her limit so she stops. it's not that she lost a driver. she understands you two as her friends okay, so she gave in.

see? things change. and a bf always stands for his gf. and we, as friends, understand. so there is distance. differences. changes. and of course, once in a while there comes a time when we think about old time and miss it.

march, not a good start.

2011-03-04T23:05:00.003+08:00

today is not a good day. for me. for my family, especially my brother. it was around 2 pm, i was in front of my laptop, doing my work when my mom called. she told me a bad news, that my brother was hit by a motorcycle! he's okay, but the car is definitely not okay. the back window is broken and left a big hole. let me tell you the chronology.

he just took his certificate from his university (the university is in the airport complex), and was going to the bank near the campus. when he was out from the airport complex he wanted to turn right (because the bank is on the opposite of the road), and have given the sign with the lamp, he even has stopped the car, waiting for his turn to turn right. he looked at the rear view mirror, made sure that the road was empty, and when he took a second look he saw a motorist driving fast with a surprise face, but he also saw that the motorist made a way to the left, avoiding the car. my brother believed that at that time the motorist knew he didn't have time to push the break and avoid the car.and bang! the motorist hit the car, hardly. you can imagine how hard it was that it caused the back window broke to pieces.

fortunately, the motorist was quite okay, he was not in serious problem, only his lips were bleeding. so to avoid the bad things that might happen (oh well, those people on the street with stupid accusation and everything else..because it is definite that when something happens be tween a motorcycle and a car, the car is the guilty one even if it's not.) my brother took the motorist to the nearest hospital. and the story goes, the motorist was taken care by the paramedic, and he apologized and told my brother that he actually was afraid of his boss.

short story, everything is settled down. i, my mom, and my uncle went to the hospital to accompany my brother. my brother paid for the hospital registration fee and x-ray fee, around IDR 130.000 (which actually it is not his responsibility.. ). my mom told the motorist that we'll leave him there, that we are not asking for money to repair the car because we got it covered by insurance, and we've paid what it needs to make him okay, so the rest is on him and we don't want to know how he'll get out from hospital. then we left to take the car to insurance company. the problem is supposed to be finished here, right? because it is not my brother's fault, in fact my brother is the victim here!!! just because he is not hurt doesn't mean he's guilty!!!

apparently, it is not finished yet. later at night the motorist's boss called my brother and asked, where is his motorcycle? HELLOOOOO??? how can my brother get any idea where the motorcycle is you stupid dumb ass?!! he's panic enough at that time and all he was thinking is his car!!!! the one that should know about it is the motorist himself!!! and he stupidly asked my brother to go with him to look for the motorcycle on monday. what the hell???!!!. and he also said that my brother should pay the hospital bill. ARE YOU LOSING YOUR MIND? HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO SCHOOL? when i heard the story from my brother, i'm eff-in MAD. we are the one who should sue you!!! is this what happen when you give kindness to strangers? can't they be grateful? they ask FOR MORE, for God's sake.

the only one who caused all this is the MOTORIST. don't you ever dare to blame my brother ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! you've ruined our day, wasn't it enough? don't ruin our future!!! it's not my brother's business any longer. so i told my brother not to care about it. just turn off the mobile phone, everything's alright. BECAUSE MY BROTHER DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG AT ALL.

moral of the story: don't take any strangers to hospital, you can be blamed for something you didn't do, especially if you live where i live now.

;)

2011-02-26T01:27:00.003+08:00

almost everyone around me is getting married. it's not a strange thing though. i and my friends are entering our 24th years of life, some of them 25th. when i hear the news, i get excited. there's always a moment i think about what would it be when my day comes. and i can't deny that i kinda want it too. of course i want it! after 5 years and 7 months i'm in a long distance relationship? the thought of being with him everyday, seeing him everyday, talking to him anytime i want it, taking care of him.. it's just something i'm waiting for. to finally have our quality time. to finally don't have to struggle with bad internet connection. to finally don't have to wait so long to see his face.

but when i give it a second thought, i realize married is not what i want. i just want to meet him more often and spend more quality time together. i just want to have a normal relationship just like the short days we have in bandung. it's not about married. it's about me. him. together. more often. not this way. not 13 days in a year. not 1.5 - 2 months in a year. married? heeeeeyyy i'm definitely NOT ready yet.

i don't know. maybe my mom is getting excited waiting her turn. i almost always can see the glare in her eyes every time i tell her my friend this and my friend that is getting married like the end of this year. or every time she tells me that her friends' daughters are getting married. i know one day it will happen. and when it happens, i want it to happen for the right reason. i want it to happen because both of us--me and adi, feel that we are ready. that we need each other to continue life. that we are the right person for each other to begin a new life. that i am the one he wants to see every morning, and vice versa. i don't want it to happen because people tell us to do so. no.

so yeah, for now just let the things flow..and focus to what we are doing right now :)
and although it's annoying, but just make it easy when people ask "when will you get married?", "when will you invite us?". i always simply smile and calmly answer, "one day."

the barriers

2011-02-25T00:07:00.002+08:00

the thing is.. i always have this mindset about work and when it comes to it i can't draw freely. i can't free myself and i make it a burden. and i don't like it. it's the same thing but it's different. see, when i make illustrations for my personal projects they always come out good. they satisfy me. but when it comes to client..i don't like the outcome. it's just like this is vianna, and that one is not so vianna.

i think i have to tell myself to think out of the box. the sky doesn't always have to be blue, the grass doesn't always have to be green, you can make anything. this is your world, make it as fun as you want. you can put anything anywhere as you wish. that easy. why would i make it hard for myself? don't think too much about what other people want, just make it with all your heart, love it and others will love it too..

but it is so hard. why?

let things go.

2011-02-24T00:37:00.003+08:00

some things change, some things do not. a coming back trip to the place where used to be my second home has taught me a lesson. a lesson to let things go. that no matter how much you want things to stay the same, it changes. the feeling changes, the environment changes, the taste changes.. everything, everything.

let the past be the sweetest memories, and don't try to change it.
now that i'm home, i have some projects to go..and i better be focus.. for the future! :D

second home :)

2011-02-18T18:02:00.002+08:00

hello people! here i am in my ex-condo, in nath's room, in the beautiful cyberjaya. yes, i'm back to malaysia!!! it feels like home.. there are many things that have been changed since the last time i was here in august 2009. one and a half year have passed. cyberjaya has been growing quite fast, it's getting full with restaurants and not as empty as before.

i'm happy to be here :) and have spent my quality time with nancy and nath. still want to be with nancy a little bit longer though, i'll visit her again in singapore some other time before i get married hehehe.. :p OKAY, the holiday was a bit ruined thanks to yulius' super sudden cancellation. and i didn't get the chance to meet him after 13 months. good then yulius! i'm still mad at you. how could you???

but it's still great though, i love our universal studio day :D we had so much fun even without yulius. hahaha.. still have 3 days to spent here in malaysia, will enjoy my time to the max :)

24th birthday.

2011-02-10T23:26:00.003+08:00

so today is my birthday. happy birthday to myself :) a little different this year, cause to me it's just another day, and a birthday is not a big deal anymore. it's also the first day of making the resolution comes true. i woke up early today! like 9 o'clock (it's consider early for someone like me okaaay :).

i am very, very grateful for kind wishes i received from my friends. apparently i have so many friends and i think i got more wishes than last year. twitter, bbm, and facebook..my day was busy replying their endless wishes and "thank you" is the word of the day. hehe. i spent today with my family. morning city tour with my brother, went to take my USS tickets, went to banks, bought my birthday cake.. and then spent my afternoon with mom, went to BTC , bought a new bag.. and had a birthday dinner with mom, dad n brother. nice one!

i was going to spend this birthday with my friends, far from home but my heart told me not to. i want to celebrate here with my fam. and adi's present arrived exactly today! so happy :) thank you for the cards and the book, they are super cute :D nancy and yuli were on skype with me last night but i knew they didn't remember, i could tell from their faces hahaha.. so i didn't say a thing, i believe they'll realize later on, and that was true. they called me at 4.30am! i was asleep and it was like a dream you know. nancy said i could only say "hahihohahiho". hahahahha.. i remembered they told me to continue my sleep. pffft.

overall, i feel so blessed. realizing that i've met and known so many different people in this life. and as years go by, i made even more friends, i gained more experience, and life becomes more beautiful.. i'm thankful for everything i have,really. and not just for today, for everyday that has passed and will pass, good and bad, forever. :)

birthday resolutions

2011-02-04T22:48:00.004+08:00

i'm gonna be 24 in a week. yeah big numbers. still remember 4 years ago i blogged about turning 20. 4 years has passed in a blink of an eye.. 24. am i a woman yet? have i done enough in this life? am i proud of myself? the answers are no, no, and no. 23 and still childish, sometimes a bit irresponsible, clumsy, lazy, moody, easily get angry, spent too much time watching series, spent too much time sleeping. look around you. people around your age are busy making money, do some serious stuffs, and still don't get enough sleep. while me? a pig.

so i think it's time to make RESOLUTIONS. yeah my resolutions don't come with new year, but with new age. ..rrr it's just a reason, actually i'm just procrastinating for 40 days
here they are. and i HAVE TO obey my own resolutions, if they still don't happen..shame on me!
#1 be a morning person again. wake up at 8 every morning--8.30 max.
#2 following #1 it means that i have to sleep earlier every night. like 12 max.
#3 managing my money and not spend it for useless thing. (i really have a big problem with this, i can save money back in highschool but since i went to malay i became so consumptive.)
#4 finish anything i start. and not leaving it before it's 75% finish.
#5 don't waste time procrastinating
#6 watch less series (doubt it)
#7 read more books (it's been a while since the last book i read)

actually the source of my trouble is my sleeping habit. if i sleep earlier and wake up early, i won't miss yoga class this often, i won't miss my sunday-cooking-day, i'll have more time drawing, doing work, reading, and learning japanese. it's just my poor managing skill. whether it's about money or time. two most valuable things. i have to make myself discipline! i was not this person before... 6 years ago i can't even wake up late even if i sleep late! so on my 24th years of life, i have to get my old good habit back!!!

.

2011-01-28T23:38:00.002+08:00

“Because sometimes, you just have to laugh at your ridiculousness, forgive yourself for having an off couple-of-days, and keep in mind that the point of a journey isn’t the destination, but the steps along the way. That even when you don’t feel lovely or like things are going in the right direction, there is always beauty and blessings to be found around each corner, if we remember to look for them.”

another beginning.

2011-01-20T01:26:00.004+08:00

have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there..and all you can do is wait for that day when you get to meet them again?
it's been a year since the last time i gathered with my very best friends. a fucking long year. at the last gathering, we didn't have any idea when or where we would have an opportunity to be in one place at the same time again. it's so heart breaking. imagine, we once lived together and got to see each other everyday, and sometimes it was almost 24/7 we were together, minus the time we spent in the bathroom. and suddenly we got to separate from each other, and we didn't even know when we could make such memories again. it is sad. i miss malaysia so much that last year i decided i just have to visit malaysia again in this year. so i bought the ticket. everything was so vague. in my mind, i just would get a chance to be with nath and meet nancy and eric in singapore. at that time, yulius only told me that he would come back on february to attend his friend's wedding. so i thought i would just meet him in jakarta. but then believe it or not, universe helped us to gather us again. yulius will join us in singapore, that means we all can be in the same place, at the same time again for three days!!! it's short but it's enough :) yeaaaay!! really can't wait for next moth to come. :D

...because things change. and friends leave. and life doesn't stop for anybody.
so today another one left. it's lisa. and it's a big loss. i miss to have her here, i want to have her here. i wish she wouldn't go, but anyway c'est la vie. i just got to face the fact that everything changes again and i have to adapt to life for the 100th time in my life. but then i find another new activity. earlier this month, i signed myself up for a japanese course. and i made myself promise that whatever it is i spent money on, i just have to make it works. so i take this course with all my heart, i mustn't quit before i master japanese. it's not something unfamiliar though. when i was 15 i once learned japanese. and to begin this course, i still remember the hiragana characters. amazingly, i studied even harder than at the time i learned francais. i'm willingly remembering katakana without being asked by the sensei or anyone else, and i even opened my old japanese text book, read them and studied them by myself!! in this case, i think i have to be the smartest student in my class hahaha... people may judge me as an unemployed lazy girl. but then i lost my time to things i love. now my daily life rotates around freelance works, yoga, drawing, tv series, cooking, and learning japanese. and i find it's even more colorful, useful, and meaningful. i just have to keep myself busy, so i only have little time to think about my best friends and my lover out there.

changes.

2011-01-16T03:18:00.006+08:00

people change. sometimes they change too much that make you just want to stay away from them.

everything has changed a lot since the last time i remembered it. the people i once was with, the places i once was there. everything is different now, and so far i find it so pathetic. some just go into a wrong way --which is actually not my business (but i can't help myself not to write about it here), i personally think it's such a pity, a waste. why would someone nice change into someone worse? we are getting older everyday, why don't we make a wiser decision as we grow up? say, if you are not a smoker, why would you make yourself a smoker this year? obviously it's not a good resolution. and it won't make you a better person. and it's kinda ironic when someone works in a health-care industry but s/he doesn't even care with his/her own health. what kind of therapist who smokes and drinks? they're supposed to give a good example. i mean, if you can't deal with your feeling or lost that you recently have to face, just sleep, or find someone to talk to, or even better do yoga--not drinking and smoking??!! or maybe you just find wrong people to talk to. let me share one thing, good friends will not let you smoke even if they smoke, they wont let you make the same mistake they once made--at least that's what my best friends did to me. well, i'm noone to you though, i hope you can live a better life start from.... as soon as possible.

oh, and i still hate it when someone smokes and ask his/her friends not to tell others. that's a coward, hiding from people who is nice enough to help him/her to be back on the right track.

i love self-challenge.

2011-01-12T01:54:00.003+08:00

i just accomplished another self-challenge! my sketchbook project is finished!!! todaaaaayyyy!! gonna send it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow when the scanning is done. it's one day faster than i think it would be :D yeaaaayyy!! so happy i made it. so far, i haven't let myself down, have i? it feels real good, it's like a confidence booster for myself. :) i looove self-challenge, it's a proof that i'm capable of what i thought i can't. yes people, if you are brave enough to take any challenge in your life, you will be amazed by how yourself can actually deal with it!! i believe everyone has an inner power to do amazing things :D

NEVER SAY "I CAN'T" TO YOURSELF.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, WHO WOULD?

!

2011-01-10T01:11:00.002+08:00

"it doesn't matter if you've failed, if you've been beaten. all that really matters is if you get back up and try again. because winning is fun, but winning when nobody thought you would, is just awesome."

fight!

2011-01-08T00:30:00.002+08:00

i have been neglecting my deviantart for months since the last activity on the childrensillustrator on september. but yesterday when i checked it again, childrensillustrator club is back with its new january theme!! so tonight i decide to upload some more works to my deviantart account. and it surprised me! right after i uploaded them, i got good feedbacks :D thank you people for loving my art :D

and yesterday i signed myself up for a japanese course, and it will be started next week! okay dont ask me, cause i myself also dont have the answer of things you may ask. yeah, what was i thinking??? what am i gonna do with those foreign languages?? it's been 9 months since the first time adi went to japan and it's kinda killing me to hear him talking to me in japanese when i cant understand a single word!!! but i promise myself, the money i spent for the course wont go to waste.

i still have a low self-confidence when i see how people are moving with their jobs and life and i am still here, trying to figure out what to do, in doubt with the choices i made. but hey, i'm not gonna regret this! currently i'm fighting to finish my sketchbook project. i plan to send it back on 13 january, so i still have 5-6 days to finish it, and so far i think i make quite a good progress. and i will make it, I JUST HAVE TO.

and i still owe my editor a project. let's fight!!

2011

2011-01-06T01:39:00.003+08:00

it's 2011 already. and i am scared. everything changes and im not sure whether i will like it or not. but no matter what, life goes on. i still dont like the fact that i'll be left for the second time in january :( this is not easy. but time flies fast, even faster than we think and it is a good thing. okay, stop being such a crybaby, let's start 2011 with a more positive energy!!

i've done my part for kelir's 2011 calendar. can't wait to see it. and some of my friends have offered me projects in the new year, quite a good thing to start this year. and after a long break illustrating things due to whatever i was thinking on december, now i'm back on the track! dont forget to check out my illustration blog HERE.

many things i count on for this year! happy to wait next month to come, can't wait to meet my best friend back, can't wait to be back to malaysia, have fun with my besties and eat everything i used to eat. :) i wish you all a fabulous 2011!!

2010-12-18T02:45:00.004+08:00

counting days to the arrival of my christmas present :)

self challenge :D

2010-12-17T00:23:00.009+08:00

this week, my parents leave town for a week holiday. usually when my mom is away, she would order a catering service for us. but this time, i told her that i want to cook, i will prepare the food for my brother and myself...for a week. yeah. i never cook before, not a serious cooking thing and clearly not everyday. but i love to cook. so i started browsing the recipe in internet and decided the food i want to cook. when the time is near to the day my parents leaving, i was hesitate. can i cook? for a week? can i? i never cook before!!! but then i thought it's the challenge i have to take. i think that i can't but i have to prove to myself that i actually can. and i have people who question my cooking ability, and people who underestimate me, so i told myself i just have to do this. to prove them WRONG.

two days from today, my parents are coming back home. and hell yeah, i cooked!! and it's not bad for a first-timer like me. at least my brother ate them and said that they were nice :D and i made lisa to eat my fried rice and she said it was delicious..woohooo!! here are the pictures!! enjoy!

sweet and sour chicken

mongolian beef -- my favourite :D

chinese fried rice -- my brother loves it, yay! :D

broccoli with egg tofu

and cooking was fun!! i went to supermarket in the morning, bought the ingredients, prepared the ingredients, went to work, and once im back from work i cook. at the first time i saw my sweet and sour chicken i was amazed. can't believe that i actually can make it and success hehe.. turns out..cooking is not that hard (as long as you follow the recipe.. -- i make some changes though and they're still success hahaha..). i love to cook, i just havent found the right time and now when there's a chance, i did it. but i dont like to bake cookies or cakes. that's my mom specialty but i dont like the idea of baking at all. too bad adi was not here to taste them.. but i will cook for him once he's here :D i took the recipes from HERE it's a super nice website!! try it :D

will definitely cook again!

2010's life is coming to an end..

2010-12-11T02:11:00.003+08:00

it's december. it's almost new year, and happy to tell you, my christmas present is on the way :D
let's see what i've done this year. it started okay. new job as an english teacher for kids, spent time with adi before he went to japan, continue my french class until it's done and passed the DELF B1 exam.. went to taiwan and see many new things, a great experience, met new people and yes, i kinda miss those faces back there :), had the books i illustrated published, and was really happy about that, went to bali alone and had a nice short weekend escape, i painted mural painting and also happy about that.. but then when it comes to the end i'm getting.... lost.

again, the fact that i will be left. oh i hate it. enough for this year with adi's going to japan, next year, lisa's going to aussie. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. and for some months...i was down. i lost my spirit. i didn't even want to draw. and that is beyond bad. i did a project though, and finished it and i hope it will be published next year. and i still have another project to do but then i lost it. no more excuses, the truth is... im not really into it. it's just.. the thing that i live in my mind and am in denial to face reality.

the last 2 months was a chaos. adi was not sure that he'll come home for christmas. that made me just plainly lost. i didn't even have any urge to do anything except thinking about the possibility that we had to wait again until we can see each other again..that is so sad. and there was a time when lisa went to korea and i really felt what it likes not to have her around to have some fun on weekends, to have someone to talk to and tell your stories and gossips and bullshits to at the end of the week, to have someone to accompany me catching up with movies and everything else. it made me so saaaaaaad.. why on earth i am left here in bandung, without a boyfriend, and sweetest best friends around... i can stand when one of them is not around, but not having both of them at the same time? life sucks. it really does.

it's not that i dont appreciate the friends i have in bandung, but they are just...different. here, i'm mostly the one who always listens..to those heart-breaking stories, friendship dramas, problems, complains, and the list goes on. but i dont have the chance to open myself to them, to share my feelings, to be the one who talks and complains... it's not that i dont have the chance though, it's just different. somehow, after all those years being the strongest one, the good listener, i just lost my willingness to open up myself to them. and however bad i want to do what i do with my other friend..i just cant do that with them. it's different. it's totally different. so yeah, 4 years in malay made me understand what is the meaning of friendship. you talk, you listen, you complain, you get complains, you curse, you wont mind hearing them cursing, you have fun, you help each other, you hear them cry and you let them hear you cry, you tell them your dreams, you tell them your secret wishes and they wont ever judge you crazy or anything, they will get along and make joke out of it, you remind each other, you take care of each other... people who can understand you without you have to say a word. okay that's too long. but i really really miss them--let's get back to what i talked about before.

yeah, and then i got those rejections. and i just stopped making real good artworks. i still made illustrations, but i didn't even like what i made. that was just so sad. and last week, when my mom told me to study again, i started to research any other possibilities. there they were, some affordable short courses. i was so exciting, a little bit over exciting maybe that today when i found out that my other plan may not be come true i was so shocked and again, down. but today adi gave a good news. he is coming home for christmas!!! yaaaaaayy!! so there's still a hope. people said it wont rain forever, right? one day it will stop and i can see the rainbow. i just have to inspire myself more, and enjoy the time i have with adi and lisa, and then i can plan a better new year :)

i do miss celebrating new year in yulius' house. but then i know it was a history, because there were some people we remembered we celebrated new year with, with whom we won't ever repeat the story again.. those people who are just right to be in the past but not make it to the present and not deserve to be in our future...

it's december!

2010-12-05T00:08:00.002+08:00

december has come! yeay! another 3 weeks and i will start a brand new beginning. i was lost and down but now i'm here with a new spirit :D it looks like i have some nice plans for next year, and even more determined than ever to focus drawing and illustrating!!! will buy derwent water and pencil colors for my very own xmas present :)

i will tell myself EVERY SINGLE DAY not to give up or lose hope. determination is something much more valuable than money. yeah phi, GO!

blah!

2010-11-30T23:21:00.003+08:00

today when we were having lunch together, suddenly my mom said, "you should study again, exploring your style of art.." and i said "I REALLY WANT TO!". like pursuing master of art degree in illustration. that's cool! i will like it so much. i know. and then i started to browse the school of art all around the world, from asia to usa to europe. and reality slaps me again. IT COSTS TOO MUCH for God's sake. for example, the nearest college will be lasalle college in singapore. for 2 years time pursuing master of fine arts (MFA) there, the cost is the same as what i spent for 4 years in limkokwing malaysia. imagine those other colleges who are far far away from asia! plus i have to consider the travel fee. it's killing my parents!!

so...once again i am left with nothing. still dont have any good plan for next year.
fiuh! but heeeeeyyy, december is coming!!! let's stop worrying for a while :D

...

2010-11-24T23:02:00.002+08:00

long distance is hard
when i am the one
who is left behind..

With you is where I'd rather be
But we're stuck where we are
And it's so hard,you're so far
This long distance is killing me
I wish that you were here with me
But we're stuck where we are
And it's so hard,you're so far
This long distance is killing me
--Bruno Mars

focus on your passion!

2010-11-10T11:56:00.002+08:00

“Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing. Be there completely. It’s amazing how much non-resistance and presence changes everything.”
-Leo Babauta-

I better be focus. I better be happy, because i know what my passion is, because what i'm doing now is the thing i want to do for the rest of my life. i'm happiest when i draw. i just haven't found a right place yet to develop. to sell my art. to be able to live from it. it's just a matter of time. i keep telling myself that i'm on a right track, that i don't really need a job in an office. i keep telling myself to have faith, that everything's gonna be perfect on the right time :)

november!

2010-11-04T01:29:00.003+08:00

so it's november! hoorayyyy!! i only have to bear with another 2 months, time, better flies fast! i'm still struggling finishing this one project which i am sure tomorrow everything will be finish and i can send the cd to my editor.(but hey you still havent started the other one and hey you havent finished typing the script.....) everything has been too unorganized. you know, me and my super-late-sleeping habit, but this week i start yoga again and everything becomes much better. i wake up in the morning!! like real morning before 9 am. haha! and the situation in the place i teach becomes...... (i dont know how to describe it...i just feel less and less comfortable each day.) and too bad the classes are still crowded. i thought the time can be deducted by early november but it seems the same. so yeah. okay then the only good thing is at the end of the month when i receive the salary!

my addiction to CSI has been reduced due to........tv cable instalation in my room. rrrrr...so it makes everything even worse? but i love it, i mean my tv finally has some works to do other than just being a display. haha! i love it so much since i NEVER like indonesian tv channels, they always offer you bullshit sinetron stories which is not good at all for anyone here in indonesia. they teach you how to do revenge and how to kill people...seriously, it is bad for health. it is nice to listen to english-speaking-tv-channels once i'm home after work.

and it is NOVEMBER!!!!! counting to my special people's birthdays!!! too bad this year i cant celebrate it with any of you, not even one!!! why are you guys have to be in different places and yet so far away??? :__( I MISS YOU GUYS BADLY.

why is everyone getting married?

2010-10-27T01:14:00.002+08:00

when i heard the news about the people from my childhood are getting married, i got slapped...many times. plak! you are that old. plak! i'll be twenty-fucking-four in 3 months and a half. plak! the time is near, one or two year will pass in a blink of an eye and you'll be married before you know it. and yeah i'm sure there are gonna be many many people from my kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, high school, and university who are gonna be married next year. most of them will turn 25 next year. 25! BIG numbers..and the rest will be 24 which is also...old.

no matter how bad i want to end this long distance thing after 5 years..married is still not an option yet. imagine adi and i, 5 years in an LDR, never had the same schedule, never been in the same city for more than 8 months, never had a normal life together like most people have on their short distance relationship. we never really adapt to each other life steadily, it always changes. the way we communicate always changes, and every time it changes, we have to adapt again and again and it's not an easy thing to do. then if we get married, things change again, suddenly we have to live together, see each other every day, live under the same roof... i think it's gonna be a big trouble...or maybe a blessing? we never know, but it seems, sounds, and feels hard. to adapt living with someone for the rest of your life..errrrrrr...i really wish i still were 18, life was much easier. seriously.

now, it's been 6 months we don't see each other face to face, it's the longest time ever in 5 years. things have been pretty good. that is why i'm scared. everything's good when we're far away, then when we are near to each other, problems are always there. yea, just leave it here, will you ? we never know what future will bring....just believe that everything's gonna be great on the right time :)

i wish

2010-10-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

im exhausted. i need more than 24 hours a day to do what i love, or maybe an additional 4 to 5 hours a day as the substitute of time i spent doing the thing i don't like. usually time flies fast, but when i need next year to come faster, it doesnt happen :( too bad..

i would love to spend my entire day in front of my laptop, doing works, blog walking, browsing, researching, watching series, downloading stuffs... yeah and i can do it all next year!!! i read a good quote from oprah today, it says like this "the biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams". and the life of my dreams will be...work from home, become a full time illustrator, and make drawings every single day..

i dont feel secure that way, to be honest.. i wont have a steady income you know, and i have to bear hearing what people say about my life, and also have to be very patience when people start trying to meddle with my business.. but my heart tells me that this is the right thing to do. i won't give up my time working for someone else when i know i want to draw and illustrate for the rest of my life. so why don't i start today? why do i have to wait?

this month i started contributing to illustration friday and it feels so great when people drop by to leave their comments and slowly you make contact with other illustrators from all around the world.. and this week someone contacted me via facebook, told me that she wants to make a children book and she wants me to illustrate her stories..among other great illustrators in indonesia, she sent me message and asked me to cooperate with her..i'm flattered. i'm happy doing this, it makes me so much more alive.. :)

dear You, i hope i can do this for the rest of my life..and i hope You can grant my wish :)

can we? shall we?

2010-10-14T02:50:00.000+08:00

"Can we? Shall we? One day, very soon. Let us go away together, just you and me. Call in sick and go to the sea and hold hands all day. Eat our sandwiches on the train. Get drunk on fresh air and come home tired and never tell anyone... ever."
- Rob Ryan

mid october..

2010-10-14T01:19:00.002+08:00

it's been more than a week, thanks to yussie who reminded me that it's time to write again... haha it's like what we used to do back in uni life, i'm forgetful and yuli is forever my greatest reminder :) thanks bro! this week has been..busy. yeah i got new students, some of them are very nice, the others are very naughty. and now ive found my prince charming, fernandi, what a sweet little boy who is not only cute and handsome but also very smart! :) i love you little friend!

and last weekend i went to bali! it was a short yet happy escapade :) thanks to indra who was willing to skip work to accompany me, i had a great time! it's been a while since the last time i sit down and talk to one of ex-cyberian members :p and the workshop itself was super useful. the speaker was kristy murray, an australian writer. she shared some useful tips about how to start writing, about how you get an original idea and how to use your 5 senses into writing. it is nice to be there and meet new people, it really opens my eyes and makes me wanna try writing even more.

i now focus in finishing my work. it's been hard when i have this mood swing, it really affects me a lot and i know it's not professional at all and i have to make this bad habit gone. so now don't allow myself to have a morning yoga session, not before i finish my work. i want to attend yoga class so bad okay, so i think it's enough to punish myself and yes it works. it makes me wake up earlier than usual, sit in front of my laptop and do the work. i miss my yoga class!!! really!! :( come on phi, it's 3 more pages and you done!! finish it finish it finish it!!!!!!!

what an amazing life :)

2010-10-03T23:48:00.003+08:00

people change, they change so much, and they amaze me. there are times when i look at pictures on facebook, familiar faces, different places, different ambiance. same faces, different feeling. they all change, grow, and they absolutely know how to make themselves much more beautiful. we never imagine before how far life can take us, and it is amazing to see how we've become after 15 months since the graduation.

somehow although i miss them so much, i really love what life has done to us. we are getting closer and closer to our dreams, aren't we? :) it's only 15 months, i'm wondering the other surprises that life may bring us in 2 or 3 years :)

october!

2010-10-01T21:29:00.004+08:00

yeay it's october!!! :D time flies fast and i love it. am really counting for december to come!! and the new yearr...how i love new year!! i just looked at those old photos in adrian's facebook albums. it still makes me wanna cry even after almost a year and a half. i never miss one environment, one group of friends this much. what i left in malaysia just means TOO MUCH for me.

especially now knowing it will be damn hard to gather with them again at one place, one time and have fun like we used to be. don't bother about getting in the same place, just to have a skype time at the same time seems impossible for now. everyone is busy with their own activities and sometimes when they say they miss you, i dont think they really mean it. at some point in life, everything changes too much and it leads to an end. and technology doesnt seem to be a useful tool to make communication easier when there are many more important things ahead than to just keep in touch with your best friends. it tears me apart, and im very much disappointed but hell with that, life goes on and things changes and i just have to go along with what i have right now.

there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go..

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.” --Haruki Murakami

it was meant to be this way.

2010-09-28T23:03:00.004+08:00

maybe it was meant to be this way. he was meant to get the scholarship and move to japan. i was meant to stay here and start pursuing my dream. in a mysterious way, life has started to proof that when something was meant to be that way, everything's gonna be for the best. there are many things i don't like as much as things i like here. everything has plus and minus which makes this life is actually just equal.

i read this quote from richard branson yesterday, "do what you want. you might not have a lot of money, but you would be happy in your life to try to fulfill your dreams." i agree. but one of my friends said that it doesn't seem that way in reality. i don't agree. sometimes people face two options in life: pursuing money for a better future or pursuing your dreams for a better, happier life. and maybe in most cases, people choose to pursue money. one thing for sure, you can't choose both, you can't have everything, you gotta choose. you can't be greedy, life doesn't work that way.

in my case, i chose to pursue my dreams. i admit i can't live by my own, i don't earn enough money to be able to live without my parents. i still depend on them. i don't pay for a place to live, i don't pay for food, i don't pay for electricity and water bills. but i do pay for my phone bill, my credit card bill, and i buy clothes and books and flight tickets with what i earn. i think that's enough for now. like i've written before, i never was, never be, never will be a money-minded person. and now, i start not to think about future, i mean, i start to focus only on this present time. it makes everything easier, seriously. (thanks to adi for having taught me that).

the progress is going slow, i know. but it's okay. no matter how slow, as long as it doesn't stop. i have a faith that i'm on the right track and everything is gonna be okay. sometimes, i feel down too, i'm human. when i see other people have a permanent job, earn more than enough money, have a steady income, they save even more because they don't have time to go out on working days and only go out on weekends..not like me, you know i'm available almost every night starting from dinner time, plus i'm super free on weekends. so i run out of money faster than any other people who work in offices.

but it's okay. money is not everything, at the end we all are gonna die and we don't bring money to the other world. there are many other things much more precious than money. when i heard my mom told me that i'm doing great, when i saw her showing my books to relatives, when i can see with my own eyes and feel with my own heart that deep inside she is proud of me. she never loses her faith in me, so do i. i won't ever lose faith in myself. that's enough, that's much more than enough. that makes me happy...the kind of happiness that money can't buy :) so, i really don't give a damn to those who talk shit about me and my life.

" i know where i'm going and i know the truth, and i don't have to be what you want me to be. i'm free to be what i want." --Muhammad Ali.

almost the end of september.

2010-09-23T20:27:00.002+08:00

as i said in my previous blog i'll try to write every week :) so here i am, making another post. this week is different, i started to wake up early at 7.30 every morning because i have to paint the wall for my client. it's super tiring yet super fun...painting walls indoor is easier than outdoor, i don't have to deal with weather :) im gonna post the pics later when ive done, in my illustration blog :) too bad i only have time until noon everyday so it's the progress is kinda slow...it's been 4 days, but hopefully tomorrow everything is gonna be finished :) thanks to my brother who helps me through this. it's a lot of work if i had to do it alone.

teaching has been......okay. i wish 2011 come faster though, it's not that i don't like teaching, the kids are cute although sometimes they're over talkative, but...i just prefer to stop. it's not goo to stay somewhere and do the same thing for a too long time ,remember? and i still play tumblr. it's so much fun to read good quotes everyday that i want to remember them all but i can't, so i just keep reblog and post in on my facebook status or my bbm status, or anywhere i feel like it :p somehow, quotes always inspire me to live more.

another good news, lisa is coming with me to bali! woooohoooooo!!! ive already got so many places there i wanna visit. can't wait!! too bad it's only 3 days :(

what makes the world go round

2010-09-17T02:10:00.002+08:00

All you need to know is that what makes the world go round is not the search for pleasure, but the renunciation of all that is important.

"Does a soldier goes to war in order to kill the enemy? No, he goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is? No, she wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does the husband go to work thinking he will find personal fulfillment there? No, he is giving his sweat and tears for the good of the family. And so it goes on: sons give up their dreams to please their parents, parents give up their lives in order to please their children; pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy: love."

taken from Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

a plan for october

2010-09-13T20:31:00.002+08:00

so today i bought my flight ticket to bali. and im going there alone. it's not my first time i travel alone though, but it still excites me. maybe it's like a weekend escape from daily routines and im sure it's gonna be fun! no one will pick me up at the airport and i have no idea where my friend's place is. but the idea of having some time with myself really made my day. don't ask me why i was born with this kind of individuality. maybe i'm a weirdo. yeah while everybody else refuses to be in a long distance relationship, i love it instead.

it makes me happy to know that 25 days from today im gonna fly to bali, alone! :D

another mid-term break :)

2010-09-09T22:05:00.003+08:00

i just finish watching "flash forward". it is a really good TV series i must say, too bad they canceled it and there'll be no season 2. i do love the story, anyway i always love the story which have "time" as the concept. let say time traveler's wife, deja vu, the butterfly effects, and einstein's dream. it makes me do this thinking, what if, what if, what if....

they taught me about one thing called destiny. like something has been written for us, in our lives that we can't avoid. like even if we try so hard to change it, but it's been destined and in the end, it just has to happen, no matter you like it or not. it's like what i get from dee's novel : perahu kertas, that even if we have to take a complicated way, in the end if it means to happen, it will happen. yeah, so... just believe that everything will happen at the right time and everything happens for a reason. good or bad, what we can do is learn from it :)

yeah, i kinda miss writing a weekly analysis, so im thinking to write this blog at least once a week to see what ive done during one week. it can be good. weeks ago i opened my weekly analysis file and yes, im grateful my lecture made us write. it's a good thing to be read in the future, some kind of a remembrance of those sweet memories, and a place to reflect. oh gosh, i miss my university life, deeply. something that i can't easily let go even after 1 year and 2 months...

okay then it's another "hari raya" i spent with my fam, not with my friends like i used to, i miss the mid-term breaks we spent exploring other countries :) and i'm wishing "eid mubarak" for those who celebrate it, may we always have peace in our hearts :)

hello september!

2010-09-02T23:10:00.002+08:00

so it's september! so fast! and it's a good thing. really can't wait for december to come. i'll have stopped teaching and adi will be in bandung. yay! and..another new year, another planning, another birthday, another dream :) for now on, i have unfinished mural painting on my back yard (which i promise to be finished this weekend but since my bathroom is repaired that gives my project an interruption..i hope i still can do it tomorrow or on saturday...). and i'm sketching for the new sticker book project. and that really takes a loooooong time to think just to figure out how i want the illustrations look like. and it's hard, really.i thought it wouldn't be this hard, but it turns out the other way. usually it doesn't take a long time to make the sketches but now it's like i have something in my brain that blocks my creativity. too bad. or it's just me procrastinating....i don't know. but i give myself a deadline on september 20th, all finish until the coloring.

i made an account on tumblr. it's so much fun exploring tumblr, i can read all the beautiful quotes everyday and i can see beautiful beautiful pictures. i like it there but still i prefer here to blog :) so, visit my tumblr here! :) i'm really happy it's september, and there will be "lebaran holiday" that makes this month even shorter, and october will come faster :) yuuuhuuuuu counting to december!!!!!! :D

this is cool.

2010-08-26T15:06:00.000+08:00

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

Bob Marley.

life. now.

2010-08-21T22:03:00.002+08:00

let's talk about life. my life. it's been a while.
to be frank about it, i am confuse where i am standing right now. a year has passed from graduation day and look where i am. no permanent job, no steady income, not even be able to earn my own living like what i once imagined back in those sleepless night in cyberia. but everything has two sides, and neighbor's grass will always be greener, and everyone wants to fill in each others shoes. one said im on my track, and i keep my dream alive. many left unspoken words and told me with their eyes that i better got a job, work in an office, have a steady income... with some addition sentences like you, spoiled little lazy girl!

but here i tell you, one i am not lazy (a bit maybe but in terms of cleaning up my room, yes). if i'm lazy i will not produce illustrations. just because you don't understand my world, it doesn't mean you have the right to judge mine. poor you. two, i imagine if i went to singapore, and found a job there. but i guess life would be boring and i wouldn't be as productive as i am today. three, i feel myself developing (in art-making process, style, techniques). every illustrations i make with so many free times here in bandung, one year ago i could not make what i make today. so yeah, that's a good thing for myself personally (and yes, mister, you DON'T understand). four, i don't regret i took french intensive class, look i pass B1 exam okay, and one day it will be useful. five, i am quite tired with people offering me office job, i'm okay without it and even if i don't produce much money like you guys do, it's not your business and i'm not bothering you. if there are people who concern about this matter, they're better be my parents. but look at them, they support me, they don't rush me, they don't force me. they let me do what i love.

so, i don't know. i'm not sure yet about future but deep inside i know i'm in the right track. or even if i'm not, i'm gonna make the track and leave the trail. :)

married? think again ;)

2010-08-06T00:16:00.003+08:00

the people i know (my age or even younger than me) are getting married, married, are waiting for the baby to come, or even has become a mother. that horrifies me. it makes me think, will i be too old when it's the right time for me to get married and have a baby? i don't know why but i think im still in denial that now im 23 and i have a 5 years boyfriend. i always think that im still young (i feel im still 18 in mind :p) and i am definitely not ready to get married somewhere in next year or even next 2 years. i just looked at some photos in facebook. my cousin has just turned 22 and she's waiting a baby girl in maybe one or two months. 22 and soon to be a mother. that is just WOW. i'm 23 and even im not ready to be engaged. yeah.

i remember i had a talk with my friend. she's single and now looking at friends getting married, without parent's regular question about when she will have a boyfriend, she herself has an urge to have a boyfriend. something that can make her safe, somewhere closer to this big word "married". i'm not ready, but the word "married" brings so much temptation to myself. 5 years of long distance relationship? who doesnt want to be close to each other and not having communication barrier from now and then? but well, being a married woman doesnt mean your problem solved, right? and i believe it doesnt guarantee your happiness and your....freedom.

so i think im okay with my life right now. still being pampered, doesnt have to cook, or take care of the house, or wash clothes and dishes. still in long distance relationship but i have 100% of my time, i can do anything i want. and above all, i still have time to pursue my dream :)

PS: i should've blogged about my taiwan trip, i tried but it took forever to upload the pics so i dont know when i'll blog about that. just check my facebook to see the pics :)

2010-07-31T00:25:00.003+08:00

i'm back. and july will end so soon. like i wrote before, it will pass in a blink of an eye :)
the trip was wonderful yet super tiring but it's always amazing to meet people from different countries and culture, it reminds me of my uni-life. maybe i'm gonna talk about the whole trip and upload the pics somewhere in august. now im too tired even just to open my eyes. see you soon!

us :)

2010-07-10T00:30:00.005+08:00

welcoming our 6th year of togetherness! :)

love letter from japan :)

our little celebration :)

May we always be warmed by each other's smile,

Always take time to walk and talk a while,

Always know deep down we're each other's best friend,

And enjoy the kind of love that grows and knows no end.

Wishing us an 'always' kind of love and many more years of togetherness!

Happy Anniversary dear Love!

it will pass in a blink of an eye

2010-07-04T01:22:00.003+08:00

so it's july. and today i got a new TV in my room wooo hooo! as a replacement of the former super old style TV. (the small one who got no remote control and often lose its sound--but nancy loves my old one, she said it looks vintage and nice). this new one is red, big size, flat screen :D thanks daddy!

tomorrow i'll have another jakarta trip with adi's sis and cousin, will spend 3 days and 2 nights in his aunty's home. will come back on tuesday, will have this "angklung group exercise" on wednesday at 6pm and will do some shopping at BTC with lisa in the morning to afternoon hopefully :). thursday i plan to pack my stuffs, friday is another happy day, someone is coming to town!! hooorayyyy :D and saturday i'll fly to taipei. will come back three weeks afterwards on the second last day of july. and saturday will be our fifth anniversary too :D -- the first one without us being together and without dinner, too bad! but i'll be in taiwan having holiday! :D

ive told you july will pass in a blink of an eye! ;)

hello july!

2010-07-02T03:03:00.003+08:00

so it's july. i feel sad when i recall i missed my last 2 weeks of french class to..sleeping. now it's over. the class is over and i have one month holiday in teaching those kids. i feel bad when everything has passed knowing i didn't make the most of it. but well, let past just be a past.

now i know why i like to stay up late and let myself sleep at dawn. it is because at midnight and after, i find peace that i cant get during noon or afternoon or even night. it gets loud and noisy and annoying to me to do my things at that range of time. this is the kind of peace i always had back in malay in my room, at any time i want. my housemate was very understanding and we were similar to each other, the kind of person who likes to be alone.

so july may be a good start for me, but it may not be to some other people. i just heard another bad news. one of my friends' dad, has passed away. why does life always give us the surprise we hate the most? i hate to hear those bad news. it's the third time this year, the father of my friend in my friend-cycle. and if i count from 2005 it would be the fifth. big numbers.

i don't like to go to nana rohana or bumi baru. i don't like the ambiance, the sadness, the tears, and the smell that reminds me to my childhood, the same smell that reminds me to death. yes i once grew up in nana rohana, two years in a row, one week each, my grandpas from mom's and dad's side.

the last time i went there i saw my friend being extremely sad that it hurt my heart. saw him in that situation and realized that there's nothing i could do to help. and the worst part is, while all the people i saw there, including my friends who visited were crying, i couldn't cry a tear. it hurt. i always have problem in crying, i can't cry in front of many people. i don't know why, i wanted to but i just couldn't. the tears won't go out, i cried silently in my heart. no one knows how long they can treasure the life with the people they love, so when you still have time, make the most of it. i mean it.

an end, a pause, and a start

2010-06-28T01:19:00.004+08:00

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.
T.S Eliot

my old life will end on june 30th,

a whole new start on august,

and a month of holiday in between,

...

it's quite interesting, isn't it?

...

2010-06-27T01:13:00.002+08:00

i don't really understand what is going on and i can't really tell who is right and who is wrong. but one thing that i clearly see from all this is the lack of appreciation in one's decision. i mean, we are at the age of a woman right now, and we have the right to choose whatever we want to think or do. the key is so simple: don't meddle other people's business. don't force to get to know everything. you can't decide what's best for someone. you can't tell someone to do this or that. and every little things in life might not be as what you want. that is a fact. learn to accept that.

and you have to appreciate, what one has decided for her/his life. when someone need you and feel comfortable with you, she/he will come by her/himself to you. you don't force. and when they become distant, ask. and when you've asked and nothing changed, leave it alone. what is wrong with indonesian's mindset that you have to always know about other people? you just don't give a shit about other people's thoughts. that's it. life will be much simpler and easier.

and all those wrong assumptions. you yourself who made it harder and more complicated. you and your wrong assumptions. for God's sake just leave it alone. if you're not comfortable, leave it. don't force someone to explain to you when that someone certainly doesn't want to explain. that will get you nowhere. we are all big now, we can face our problems ourselves, we don't have to always share to people just because we used to. we can choose, we can be free, we can develop in our way and you have no rights to judge whether that decision is right or wrong based on your assumption. you just don't. cause you don't know everything.

life currently.

2010-06-22T02:03:00.004+08:00

i cant focus when everything is going at the same time. for now this world cup thing had successfully ruined my days. my life schedule that i had fought for the last 7 months changes again and i hate that, but i couldnt help it either. since june 11 i slept at 4am in the morning almost every night after watching the last match of the day. i dont know why im so attached to this soccer things since i was not that interested before but hey i find myself enjoy it so much. it's only once in four years and maybe im just over exciting.

now i never wake up at 8 again and i did not go to my french class since last week. very, very bad. and today is 22 of june and 3 weeks from today ill be going to taiwan for another 3 weeks...so maybe my whole new life will start on august when all the soccer craziness will have been ended and the trip done. i barely draw, or check the web im working at, or my portfolio web, or anything else. all i could think of for now is who plays versus who, what time, what channel. and the clothes and undies i need for the trip that i still have to buy.

and yesterday i met my editor and it gave me a mood booster to work more seriously on my project but yeah, wait till august come. i really cant think although i have these whole ideas running in my head. now i prefer a weekend at home doing my things, have dinner with my family and go to the movies with them as well. and spend more time with francois now i barely play with him in a day.

thanks to this world cup thing i feel less lonely now i can watch it together with my "cibays" friends on bbm. it does feel like we are back at mamak or oldtown, screaming and having fun together :) really miss you guys, cant wait for january or february come :)

dreams.

2010-06-10T18:14:00.001+08:00

just draw, and draw, and draw.
will you?

visit me HERE

first thing in june

2010-06-06T00:52:00.003+08:00

welcome june.

time flies so fast i dont know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

i hate the fact that i've spent 4 years in a long distance relationship and still have to suffer more years. i hate the fact that facebook keeps showing me the forgotten album and turns my mellow mood on in the middle of the night. i hate the fact that i now dont have time to read. i hate the fact that im stuck with a lot of options but my heart says i have to stay here for a period i cant decide yet. and i always hate the fact being the one who ends up in my very own hometown.

but every statement has their own contrary, so..

i love the fact that i now earn my own money and i can spend it like i want. i love the fact that i now make more illustrations than the last 4 years. i love the fact that i stay true to my dreams and always look for opportunities to make it bigger. i love the fact that the published book which i illustrated had made my parents proud. i love the fact that i can live a healthy life back in my home sweet home. and i always love the facts that now i understand french.

i think it's good to always make a comparison between the hate and the love from now on. just call this little post as a "reflection". :)

2010-05-30T13:48:00.003+08:00

keep asking :

what will i do next with my life?

it feels like i'm starting all over again.

money

2010-05-20T23:55:00.004+08:00

if only they were here, near me, i will not care much about the money i earn.

reality tells me that they are far. so im gonna need much money to make myself fly to where they are. once i said im not a money minded person. it was wrong. i am now. i need money because i need them. i need to be near them, or at least i need time to recharge my mind by being with them. so, forget your sleeping time, let's make money!

reflect.

2010-05-17T00:00:00.003+08:00

i've never been so attached to something this strong. it's almost a year and yet i still miss malaysia, cyberia, and those people day and night. everytime i go to pvj or ciwalk or anywhere called "mall" i imagine pavillion or sunway or one u or klcc. and when i eat sushi i imagine sushi king. when i go out with my bandung friends, i imagine my fellow cyberians. there's something there, in the activities i used to do, in the feelings i used to feel back there, in the memories we had that i cant ever let go.

currently i dont like the way my life turns out. i dont like it at all. the friends cycle, the loneliness, and those unexpected and disappointed stuffs. but yes, i realize and i understand that life is not about what i want. i doesnt always give me what i want, but it always gives me what i need. i hardly can accept that fact but to hell with it, one day i'll realize, one day i'll understand why im here and they're there. why i did what im doing and not what they're doing. and of course, the reason why i have to be far with those people i call my closest.

but then when i look into the mirror again and again, i start to like or even love the way my life turns out. hey, you can speak french now. hey, you earn your own money now (although it's not so much). hey you're officially a children book illustrator now. hey you dont have to wash your own clothes. hey you're driving yourself anywhere you want. hey you're going to taiwan soon and hey you get more new friends! whats not to love?

maybe it's only one thing i gotta learn: i just have to learn to be satisfied with what i've had. i just have to be grateful more often than ever. i just have to get some time to reflect.